my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
