The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
