I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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