She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
