We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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