my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
