I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
