My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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