Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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