take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
