I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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