She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
