he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
