My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
