k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
