I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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