Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Randomize
