This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
