I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
