yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
