Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
