at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
