and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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