I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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