mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
