dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
