They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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