the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
