I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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