Jerry, you need to find god
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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