lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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