My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
