I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
