Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's blow job season.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
