it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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