the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
