He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
