2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
