I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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