i love accidental penises.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
