I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
