i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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