i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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