So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
