i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
