So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
