only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
