currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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