I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
