yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
