Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
