____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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