glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
that's an acceptable place to lick
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
