living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
