Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
